by I.M. Goode

Paula (not his real name)

Traverse City—A well known local anti-gay crusader, tired of women seeking personal protection orders against him, came up with a plan while watching the big dance number during the Oscars.

Determined to grasp a deeper understanding of the gay lifestyle “Paula” (not his real name) made “her” first under-cover “drag” appearance at a local bar, popular with gay people (or people who are perceived to be homosexual), last Saturday.

Paula stammered, “...it was beyond my wildest imagination, and my imagination is pretty frickin' wild, even with my medication ... they never guessed who I was, or how much I vilified and obsessed over them for loving and celebrating who they are.” It was shocking to see doctors, nurses, restaurant and coffee shop staff, government officials, artists, musicians, architects, engineers, home builders, even the fast food guy where I get my burgers, all having a good time, as if they were regular people.

After several hours of in-depth probing investigation, Paula emerged exhausted and tipsy. While stumbling into her battered mini-van she told this reporter, "They made remarks about my looks, my build, and my hands, I hate them for acting like they are all so f#@king normal and everything."

[Any resemblance to any real individual is probably unavoidable considering all of the anti-gay closeted whack jobs out there on the street. The photo is not actually of Paula, and is fabricated for the purposes of this fictitious and timely report] "Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage." --Jay Leno